Life is creeping up on me. I feel like I am very quickly seeing my childhood in my rearview mirror, and I don't know how I feel about it. I am suddenly bombarded with life decisions I feel like I need to make now, even though I don't really have too.
The fact that I don't know how my life is going to play out stresses me out beyond belief. I want to know that the people I have now will still be there for me after I make these decisions, and that they will WANT to be there. I am afraid that in all the craziness I call my life, I will lose the people closest to me. It is a distrust that comes from countless disappointments and let downs. It scares me. Especially now.
I don't mind change. I actually enjoy it. I like the refreshing feeling of a new start. It is just scary, because I have never faced something so life changing as I do in the coming months. I can handle it. I know I can. It is just slightly overwhelming, and with other factors such as the medicine I am on, I feel quite hopeless sometimes. Like there is no way I can go on. I do not like that feeling, but I can't seem to help it.
This whole journey has been a test. A test of my strength. I want to reach the end and look back and be able to say, "I finished High School in 3 years, and all the while stayed a big part of my youth group, had time for family, and was able to maintain a very good relationship with you." I want to feel like I accomplished something, but it is so hard. It is hard to find time for everything. It is hard mentally, when I feel stressed a lot of the time. It is hard when I feel guilty for just about everything I do. It is hard.
My family sent out our anual Christmas letter this past year. For each person there was that persons accomplishments for the year, and stuff about them. I don't remember the last time there was something I accomplished for my section of the letter. I don't really feel like I have done anything worth talking about. Maybe this will be it. Maybe.
Although I am very excited for what the next few years have in store, I am scared to death. What if I fail?
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